To the Victors
by anticute
Summary: It's a matter of being in the present, while dealing with their past actions. Tony and Pepper, in the aftermath of IM3, with their spoils.


IT'S IM3 FIC. I HAVE WAITED FOR A LONG TIME FOR ME TO WRITE IM3FIC. and no one is surprised anticute comes out with a "aftermath" fic.

have a fun time with the terrible formatting, courtesy of ffn.

**To the Victors**  
_Tony and Pepper, in the aftermath of IM3, with their spoils. It's a matter of being in the present, while dealing with their past actions._

* * *

It's a California spring and suddenly summer has decided to keep March  
company. Pepper's weather app shows that the heat wave will last for a  
week. JARVIS disputes this and challenges such findings, claiming the  
heat will be an on, off, then back on, situation - one that will run across  
two weeks and three days, at least.

It's burning and she's burning, a shock to him when she stumbles  
(tumbles moreso) into him, having lost her footing, as well as the book  
in her hand, in the process of getting into bed. She's incredibly warm,  
her freckled flesh hot against his arm, barely a brush of skin. The effect  
is all the same, because it's so damn hot and he _sees,_ for a moment  
last Christmas, and he is seized. His mind fills up the blanks, gaps,  
crevices of his some thousand thoughts and conceptions, with images  
of the fallout, the Christmas lights in the midst of the grating metal  
shredding apart in front, behind, around him, the adrenaline, the  
helplessness. And while his mind is a bevy of his genius, it is a volatile  
thing and fuck, all that wreckage and him and Rhodey and Maya and  
Pepper and

He barely restrains himself from two responses. One: curling up beside  
Pepper, needy, desperate, and intensely anxious. Two: the even more  
raw, urgent impulse of flight, to snap up, right out of bed, and avoid her  
entirely (awayaway). She'll see through it all, he knows, and that will  
make things worse and he should stay, would feel better staying with  
her anyway, and fuckfuckfuck wreckagewreckage, burn.

Even more, he doesn't want her to know what he's thinking (even though  
she knows everything; she's Pepper.) Doesn't want reminders - for either  
of them - of the very near, of the entirely too close call, of what if she  
hadn't survived it all, of what if he hadn't (which isn't an entirely new what  
if), just. What. If.

(He doesn't want backwards. He wants forwards. _Knows,_ now, that is  
the only way to go. He's been working very hard at forwards. One of the  
victories claimed in the aftermath of everything with Killian, with himself.)

He also doesn't want to know either if she's had any fleeting thoughts  
about that time - in the recent months, if she thought about it last  
morning as she got ready for work, if she's thinking about it right now.  
They've talked about what happened, of course. She's dealt, is dealing,  
with it all, and so is he.

Still, he doesn't want to know that she thinks about it. Doesn't want  
more conversations about what happened, what happened to her, how  
he felt about it, how he feels about it and fuck he knows that is selfish  
because what happened to her - is about her, but damn it, it is also  
about him and he just _doesn't_.

(What was that about forwards, again?)

* * *

She has, by the way.

January. A Wednesday (the second one of the year) afternoon. Pepper  
had been standing in the sun, pinstriped suit jacket folded over her arm,  
as she waited for Happy to come by with the car. It had struck her how  
particularly warm it was and she had rubbed the palm of her hand to and  
fro against her forearm, her skin sensitive to the sun exposure, and a  
prickling, progressively burning sensation and it-

It was not a fleeting thought.

* * *

(But let's rewind.)

The holidays pass rapidly. She does damage control even up to the  
week before New Year's and assures the public that her company is still  
stable and going strong, her rhetoric effective as always. And things  
settle to yet another new normal.

(This is something they learned immediately - individually, not  
collectively - after Tony's first return. The normalcy of the Before is not  
something that can be expected in any and all Aftermaths. Change is a  
constant. It's a guideline, in a mental manual of sorts - How to Live in  
Herodom: A Guide to Being Perpetually Emotionally Ready for All Things  
Perilous. Bonus Extras Include: Tips on Taking Advantage of Your  
Relatively Normal-esque Days.)

It takes her some time to get used to fire. Seeing it is fine. Somehow,  
it's the proximity that gets to her.

(She remembers the jolt she had when she heard the spark of a  
stranger's lighter. It had been after her press conference - the first of the  
few to establish her return, her safety, SI's own safety, and clarify the  
company's involvement in recent events. She had needed a breather  
from the invasive questions and the lights flashing at her - not  
unexpected, but unwelcome all the same.

No, her voice was not shaky as she informed the stranger that it was a  
no smoking zone.)

She's strangely thankful the first time she accidentally burns herself. It  
hurts. It hurts and she isn't immune to that heat, but is vulnerable to the  
fire that licks her skin. It's a sort of odd _"yes"_ moment, some strange  
relief that is intensely felt, that settles over her, because she remembers  
an energy, a burn, that was charging, flowing, again charging, within her  
with no mercy. Until, it just flowed, easily, and fire was nothing to her.

But, now, she feels. Yes.

(Yes, she's talked, does talk, about this with her therapist.  
Yes, her voice was shaky and Miss Virginia 'Pepper' Potts is able to  
talk openly about the events of this past December and its impact on  
her. When recalling what happened or describing its aftermath on her,  
she takes the time to express herself clearly. It has been noted  
that depending on the topic, Miss Potts transitions into a "babbling"  
pattern of speech. However, Miss Potts's "babbling" and its frequency in  
sessions is not a sudden development from her experiences (see:  
previous meetings), but instead is observed as a coping mechanism.  
She is cooperative, open,and self-aware, but may sometimes  
become defensive when...)

In the very next second of first fire to skin, though, Pepper remembers  
that very merciless heat, complements of Killian "it's more, uh,  
embarrassing than that. You're here as my, uh..." "trophy" "the one  
thing I can't live without. That's you."

(Here's where people, the media, are wrong about them: it's respect.

She hasn't won him, he hasn't broken her down "finally." She is not a, or  
_the_ conquest. She is not the fixer and he is not a project.

It's messy, it isn't easy, but it isn't always exactly difficult - and they work  
because there's always respect.)

It takes her a few seconds, that crosses into a few minutes, to get past  
it all. Because suddenly she is theretherethere. It's overwhelming as the  
memory collects her, clamps down on her. And she feels as  
distinctively two people at once - half aware of her standing in the kitchen,  
half out of that space. Her body feels distant and she can't sense she's  
wearing clothes and it's not that she feels naked, but she just can't feel  
the knit material that usually borders on itchy against her skin, can't  
really feel as if she's _here,_ and that ratchets up the anxiety, the  
memories, and her fingers and nails press hard into the cold marble of  
the kitchen counter. So hard that she accidentally folds back a nail, a  
nail already cracked on the side. The pain is sharp - quick, but sharp.

Tony comes into the kitchen and asks what's up, when he sees her at  
the sink and notices the crumpled paper towel spotted - dotted, really -  
with blood. She's running her finger under the water, simultaneously  
cleaning off the minimal blood from broken skin and cooling down her  
burnt flesh (always efficient, as ever), and she says,

"It's my nail, I broke it. I'm fine."

It's really unnecessary when she asks, "Do we have any bandaids?",  
because of course they do, they always do, they have first aid kits all  
over. Except maybe it's not a question that is so out of place because  
it's a new place that they're temporarily staying in, so it's natural to be  
unsure whether there are any first aid kits around. But it doesn't matter  
anyway because Tony's grabbing out the band-aid box from one of the  
overhead cabinets and slides it over to her. It's a little old and dusty, with  
ripped wrappers and half plastic coverings, but there are plenty of band  
aids.

She shuts off the faucet and dabs another paper towel at her finger,  
"How...about just ordering in? Or we could go out? It's been a long day. I  
don't think either of us feel like cooking, and I don't think we'll be done  
by the time Rhodey gets here."

He still doesn't quite catch on, any of it. As it is, Pepper knows  
everything and he is pretty damn tired. So he agrees, gets JARVIS to  
contact Rhodey about the changes in dinner plans.

(Cooking usually just involves him cutting the ingredients. He's not  
much of a cook, no matter how many times he's tried. He just doesn't  
have the patience. Pepper's a decent cook, for someone who has lived  
alone and always has been used to taking care of herself anyway.  
She is best with following recipes step by step  
and is not great at improvising. She'll give Tony credit for improving on  
eggs, at least. Besides that, Tony's role is cutting ingredients,  
because that doesn't require much and occupies his hands,  
somehow. And he's good at cutting. He's good with his hands.)

Pepper rummages through her unpacked things in a search for an  
umbrella because it's raining. She winces when a stray edge of some  
object makes a superficial scrape on the inside of her wrist.  
She isn't quite out of her head yet, as she pushes past the feeling, the  
thought in the back of her mind, of her body lurching downdowndown,  
her arm straining upupup towards Tony's hand, and only the distance  
between them stretching out.

* * *

(Regarding her role in Mr. Aldrich Killian's death, Pepper displays guilt,  
but also expresses an understanding that she "had to do what was  
necessary, given the circumstances." While her actions have been  
determined as out of self-defense, Miss Potts has admitted  
continuously her struggle in reconciling her feelings over his death...

"-that night. And... And I just thought, I _think,"_ she says this firmly,  
"that people like Killian...are dangerous. And he had to be stopped. Not  
that...not in the way that it happened, you understand. I didn't- It wasn't  
the way I would have _wanted-"_

"It's OK, Pepper. I understand. Please. Continue."

"But he was dangerous, to other people. To me. To stop him was...," a  
breath, "was...something I...had to do," she corrects herself,  
"wanted. To do. So that he couldn't hurt anyone else, like..."

"Yourself?"

"Yes," Pepper says quietly, "and I won't pretend that I didn't  
act for myself. I did. He called me a trophy, did you know that? And more,  
I was so angry and _afraid_ that I..."

She falters.

"With what you went through, of course you would be angry at your captor.  
So you wanted to stop him. He wouldn't hurt anyone else."

Pepper chokes out, "There was Maya, too. I didn't know at the time, but,  
_God,_ Maya."

"And Maya...Hansen," the turning of pages, "is the scientist who helped  
him, with... Extremis. As well as the person who took part in  
your kidnapping?"

"Yes. In a way. But...not in that way. What I mean is... ...Just," a pause,  
"A moment, please. Because I'm not sure...how to..."

"It's alright. Go ahead."

The sound of shifting on a couch, a clinking of ice in water, against glass,  
a dull sound of the cup being placed on the surface of a table. A few moments  
of just silence. Then, voice firmer, but still an edge of desperation:

"Yes. And no. Maya...she did help him, but I I don't think  
she meant it maliciously. It's just- It isn't that simple. It's far more  
complicated. What happened to her was terrible. She wasn't like what  
you or any of the media think of her as. I _know_ she wasn't like that, no  
matter her hand in it all. I'm not saying she's not guilty, but- It's so much  
more complicated than that."

"OK, Pepper - let's just take a moment, alright? This is very difficult, I  
know, and I don't want you to get overwhelmed. So take a step back  
and just talk, slowly, about one thing at a time. And Maya definitely seems  
to be a topic separate from Killian. I think you have to separate your  
thoughts about that. So one thing at a time. Is that alright? Alright,  
good. Go ahead and take another drink of water, if you need it. Ready?  
OK. So, let's get back to talking about Mr. Killian, just for now.  
You were saying that he was a danger..."

"Yes," a shaky breath, "it was just a situation where he had to be stopped.  
And Tony couldn't stop him. And then, Tony was in trouble - I mean,  
he always is, but he was in trouble. And I'm not saying- I've already  
said it was as much as for myself, as for him. So I had... I had to do  
something. And I could. So...so I did. It wasn't easy, but it also  
wasn't...hard of a choice. Because, as I said - to find that anger wasn't difficult.  
And Killian needed to be stopped, or things would become so much worse.  
And it wasn't the first time that...that kind of thing happened, wasn't the  
first time I've had to do that-"

A sharp end to her words, followed by a distinct silence.

"First time that you've...what, Pepper?"

"Sorry. Just- Sorry. I... I'm a little thirsty."

The pouring of water into a glass, nails clicking against the cup.

"Pepper, you're doing good. So, please. First time what?"

"Just-"

Another pause.

"OK. How about...first time you've been in danger, maybe?"

A haste, awkward, "Yes. That's it."

"OK... Pepper, again, I want to say you've been really great so far, but I  
can tell there's something else. Not that that isn't okay," her  
therapist is quick to reassure, "I have known you for some time  
now and you have always been comfortable with me, so I'm just  
concerned at your sudden hesistance. So, let's start with... If it's about  
being in danger... Well, are you, would you _like_ to revisit the Stark Expo  
and what happened there? Or are there other incidents that you want to talk  
about?"

"No, there's...there's nothing. I just meant that. The...general...danger.  
It's not the first time."

A shift of papers.

"How about Tony, then? Is that a part of why you're a little reluctant to  
talk about what's really on your mind? We've talked about him before  
and I know you have certain ideas regarding your relationship with  
Tony-"

_"You_ have a certain ideas about Tony."

"I have certain _concerns_ about the nature of your relationship with him.  
I'm simply pointing out that - if you're talking about being in danger, then  
we have to see the reason for that, and that's Tony. But, I see that  
this might be too much right now. Let's refocus. We can talk about Tony, or  
move on from your last point. We can talk about Maya again, if  
that's what you would like. Whatever helps you, Pepper."

"I- Thank you, first of all. I'm... I know I'm...not being clear right now. It's  
not entirely Tony's fault, I'm the one who decided to stay, who is  
staying. I want to, more importantly. He's important.  
So, yes. Of course it's the Stark Expo. And the most recent events.  
That's what is on my mind. What happened with Killian, it wasn't the first  
time I've done that," a breath and her readily adding, as if a clarification,  
"been in that situation, that is. In danger.")

* * *

(Pepper goes home after that session - the very first few after the AIM  
events - and locates a pair of shoes. There are still a few shards left  
in the heels. More like fine, powdered glass, the remnants of the falling  
ceiling of the Stark Reactor building she had ran out of. She never  
emptied or cleaned the shoes properly, only shook out the more  
inconveniently larger shattered pieces after she had found Tony  
and the wreckage on the roof. Her fingers were shaking, she  
remembers, as she did so, waiting for the SHIELD agents to prep  
Tony for transport to their medic center. She had sat, shoes in one hand,  
her phone waiting for Rhodey in the other, and watched how the agents  
reported to one another about the state of the factory,  
arranging a way to deal with the remains. Remembers the distinct, sharp  
burnt smell of flesh.

And she throws the shoes away. She isn't sure why she hadn't done so  
earlier - she's never had occasion to wear them anyway.

Psst: it's not a matter of occasion, at all.)

* * *

working on something that can be considered a companion piece to this. it's considerably lighter and more ot3-centric. give it fifty years to be completely edited.

also i'm fairly certain it wasn't clear, but the fic is NOT in chronological order. it goes backwards, basically.

alsoalso my other concerns: pepper's referring to her actions in killing obie, where she cuts herself off in the session with her therapist. just in case that...isn't very clear. i'm really intrigued, in love pepper got back control of her own story and situation and _body_, but also intrigued that she killed someone in the process. and she also killed obie, so. i mean, i'm not saying pepper's a pacifist - but i certainly think she understands, maybe struggles, with the necessity of violence and war (especially given the fact that she was employed by SI for such a long time. i don't think she was blind to the ongoings and ramifications, especially once Obie's hand in it all was revealed.)

THIS IS CLEARLY A FESTIVE FIC. but score for anticute getting a fic done. the fic began more of tony and pepper, was intended as such, but pepper's a damn lovely chara and i like potts a lots.


End file.
